Our homepage asks a direct question: are you ready to be a role model for positive masculinity? Men ask us about that phrase a lot, usually with a little suspicion. Some hear it as a polite way of saying men need fixing. Others assume it means trading strength for sensitivity.
Neither is what we mean. Positive masculinity isn’t a rebrand or a lecture. It’s a way of looking at manhood that starts with what men do well and asks how to do more of it, on purpose.
Where the idea comes from
For a long time, most research on men’s psychology focused on what goes wrong: the ways rigid ideas about manhood can lead men to bottle things up, avoid help, and take risks with their health. That work matters. But in 2010, psychologists Mark Kiselica and Matt Englar-Carlson proposed a different starting point. Their positive psychology/positive masculinity framework argued that counselors working with boys and men should begin by identifying and building on male strengths, rather than treating masculinity mainly as a problem to manage.
The strengths they and others in this field point to will sound familiar: courage, self-reliance, generative fatherhood, a willingness to protect others, and distinctly male ways of caring for people, which often look more like showing up and doing something than talking about feelings. The insight is simple. Those traits aren’t the problem. Trouble starts when they get stretched into something they were never meant to be, like self-reliance that turns into never asking for help.
This matters for a practical reason. Men who only hear what’s wrong with them tend to tune out. Men who are shown that their best instincts are worth building on tend to lean in. In our experience, the conversations that actually change something start with respect, not with a list of faults.
What positive masculinity is not
It helps to clear away a few misunderstandings.
- It isn’t anti-strength. Physical, mental, and moral strength are good things. The real question is what the strength is for.
- It isn’t about becoming someone else. You don’t have to change your interests, your sense of humor, or your personality.
- It isn’t performative vulnerability. Oversharing with everyone isn’t the goal. Having a few places where you can be fully honest is.
- It isn’t a political position. Men from every background and point of view come to our events. What they share is a desire to grow.
Six traits of positive masculinity in practice
Definitions only go so far. Here’s what we see in men who live this well.
1. Strength that protects instead of dominates
The strongest man in the room usually isn’t the loudest. He’s the one who makes it safer for everyone else: who steps in when someone is being steamrolled, and who uses his size, status, or seniority to open doors rather than close them.
2. Responsibility without excuses
Our community was founded on personal responsibility, equality, and growth, and responsibility is where it starts. Keep your word. Own your mistakes quickly and plainly. Take care of the people who depend on you without making them pay for it emotionally.
3. Emotional honesty
This one gets misunderstood the most. It doesn’t mean crying on cue. It means being able to name what’s going on inside you, whether that’s frustration, fear, grief, or pride, and having at least one place to put it besides a drink or a screen. Men who can do this make better partners, fathers, and leaders, because they aren’t being run by feelings they won’t admit to.
4. Respect and equality
Working alongside women as peers, sharing the load at home, and treating people well regardless of their status isn’t a concession. It’s what a grounded man does. Our men’s leadership programming spends real time here, because the workplace has changed and the old playbook doesn’t fit.
5. Connection with other men
Many men have plenty of acquaintances and almost no one they’d call at 2 a.m. That’s common, and it’s a problem. Positive masculinity treats friendship as something worth building deliberately. We dig into why that’s so hard in why men struggle to make friends after 30.
6. Generativity
Psychologists use this word for the drive to invest in the next generation. It shows up as fatherhood, mentoring, coaching a youth team, teaching a younger colleague what nobody taught you, or giving back to your community. For a lot of men it’s one of the most dependable sources of meaning, and it’s a big part of why we encourage members to share their stories.
A quick self-check
Positive masculinity isn’t a label you earn once. It’s closer to a practice, and like any practice it helps to check in on it now and then. A few questions worth asking yourself:
- Who would I call if my life fell apart tomorrow, and when did I last talk to him?
- Do the people closest to me feel safer or smaller when I’m in a bad mood?
- When did I last admit I was wrong without adding “but”?
- Who is learning from how I live, whether I meant to teach them or not?
- Is my kind of strength something I’d want a son, a nephew, or a younger colleague to copy?
There are no right scores. If a question stings, treat that as useful information rather than a verdict. It simply points to where the next bit of work is.
Why it matters now
The numbers on men’s social lives are sobering. In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2024, men were about as likely as women to say they had at least one close friend, but only 38 percent of men said they’d be extremely or very likely to turn to a friend for emotional support, compared with 54 percent of women. A 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life found that 21 percent of men had received emotional support from a friend in the past week, about half the rate reported by women.
Those surveys measure different things, and no single number tells the whole story. But the pattern holds: many men have people around them and still carry the heavy stuff alone. Positive masculinity is partly a response to that. It says the strong move is to build a life where you don’t have to.
Putting it into practice this week
You don’t need a seminar to start. Try a few of these:
- Call a friend you haven’t talked to in months, with no agenda.
- When someone asks how you’re doing, give one honest sentence instead of “fine.”
- Keep a promise you’ve been putting off, especially a small one.
- Ask a younger colleague or family member how they’re really doing, and then listen.
- Notice one moment when you’re performing toughness instead of practicing it.
If you’d like company along the way, that’s what we’re here for. Our men’s support groups give men a regular place to practice this with others, and our events calendar is the easiest way to meet the community. It’s not an easy time to be a man. It’s a good time to become a better one.